We at The Ornery Reports know this because we have seen a “top 30″ list of the key words or phrases that show up most often in internet search queries. Four of the top 30 are in the title of this piece: “porn, sex, Brittney Spears,” and “Jennifer Lopez.” (“Porno” also shows up as do “travel” and “cars.” We assume then that the ideal title of a web page would have something to do with going on a date with “Jennifer Lopez” and “Brittney Spears” in a “car” to a “porno” movie, having to “travel” a good way to get there, and having “sex” with both of them afterward.)

In all honesty, guys, get a life. Your chances of scoring either young lady are roughly the same as Mr. Ornery’s and he is much more likely to walk out his front door and get clonked on the head with a descending piece of space debris than to ever even meet them.

Now, in the past, The Ornery Reports has tried to stick to the high road, knifing politicians in the back, making fun of George W. Bush when he commits a verbal faux pas, (literally: a verbal breaking of wind,) taking digs at religions we do not fully understand, sniping at the FBI – in short, good clean fun. We actually hoped that was what you, the readers wanted, with maybe an inferior decorating article or two thrown in to make you more appreciate your own abodes, however humble. We even added articles about weird animal behavior, made fun of popular television fare, and gave up three episodes of a “kiddie show” hosted by a man who has but one problem with the format. He can’t stand kids.

Yes, we have provided an eclectic mix of articles and headlines only to discover the terrible truth. When we posted: “Sex Matters,” it rose to the top of our most-read articles in TWO days. Why? There can be only reason. We put the word “sex” in the title. Better still, we posted a photo of a dancer alongside. So, while we would dearly love to continue on the high road, savaging everyone and everything about us, we know that the name of any media game is ratings. We want to attract and keep readers. Therefore, we will watch those “key words” for trends and try to stay ahead of or on the curve. And until they wear out their welcome, two of those words will be “sex” and “porn” (or “porno.”) Watch for them on this site.

Early ejaculation is a trouble which plagues a lot of couples. Thankfully, there is information out there that may help you to end you premature ejaculation disease.

To make a “garbage garden,” begin with several different types of trash – a plastic jug, food, paper and a broken pencil. You’ll also need a shovel, sturdy cardboard, a permanent marker and a clear plastic bag. Dig a hole in the backyard about 8 inches deep. Place the items in the hole and cover it up. Make a sign using a permanent marker to remind you where you placed the garbage garden. Cover the sign with the clear plastic bag to protect it from the weather.

Ask your child, “What do you think will happen to the trash?” Throughout the winter, continue to ask he or she to consider what they think is happening to the materials in the garbage garden. As spring approaches, check out some books from the library on decomposers, recycling and landfills.

When spring arrives, dig up the garbage garden and observe what has happened to the materials that were placed in the hole. Remind children that this is a very small example of what happens to the garbage we create on a daily basis. Then try to brainstorm ways your family can work together to produce less waste and garbage.

Last month, a page appeared on the Microsoft Web site titled “Confessions of a Mac to PC Convert.” Ostensibly modelled after Apple’s wildly successful and brilliant “Switch” ads, the Microsoft page featured a “freelance writer” who had recently abandoned a Macintosh for Windows XP.

Not long after the page (let’s call it an “ad”) appeared, some Mac zealots, being inherently suspicious of anything that Microsoft might say, suggested in a Weblog that it looked a little too slick. Heck, the page didn’t even offer up the real name of the “switcher,” as do the Apple ads. From that point, it took only hours for someone to determine that the picture of the “convert” was actually a stock photo. Mere hours later, an AP reporter dug out the fact the supposed case study was actually an employee of a Microsoft PR firm. Not long after, Microsoft removed the Web page.

The resulting online buzz suggested that Microsoft might need a good lesson in “truth in online advertising.” Maybe so, because soon after this incident, people began scouring through the Microsoft site searching for other “ads” that might be considered a “Stretch,” not a “Switch.” They quickly came across a Microsoft Encarta Reference Library ad featuring a 12-year-old boy with a rather remarkable vocabulary. He was writing about “thematic images” and using phrases such as “foreshadowing like the red sunset falling on the French palace.” That ad also disappeared soon after.

By this point, people were wondering how Microsoft could be so brilliantly inept. We’ll reserve judgment on that issue, but every online marketer should ask themselves: How easy is it to fall into the same trap?

Last spring, I noticed the Bell Canada site featured a Web page denoting that “Bell’s e-Catalogue Solutions have helped thousands of business customers reach their e-business goals.” Since e-biz seemed to be in kind of a funk, I contacted Bell for clarification. “It would be quite useful to know,” I said, “how many companies are using e-catalogues. 1,000? 10,000? 50,000?” Not surprisingly, I soon got a response from a PR rep: “We do not, however, have thousands of customers on our e-Catalogue product line. Unfortunately, this information was not clearly or accurately reflected on our Web site. Please accept our apologies. We will correct the information shortly.” The information was subsequently “corrected”–it too disappeared.

Is there a lesson digital marketers can learn from such stories? Definitely. As sprawling Web sites become a key component of corporate communication methods, we’ve got to instill a truth-in-Web-vertising philosophy.

There are steps you should take to ensure your organization doesn’t get caught in the same trap. First, establish a code of ethics for the Web. If people don’t know what’s unacceptable, then they can always stretch the edges. And given the numbers of people who might be providing content for a corporate Web site, it can be too easy to lose control over the quality of information. Make the code of ethics available to everyone who might be involved with online content. Ensure any information that goes online is truthful, can be independently verified and is credible.

Second, learn to balance freedom with bureaucracy. To maintain quality, you must bureaucratize your site to a degree. But the beauty of the Web is its immediacy. It can be quickly updated, which means you can avoid the often long delays that come with a traditional ad campaign and traditional media. Use its immediacy and don’t stifle it, while carefully controlling its power.

Third, control workflow. Successful sites that consist of thousands of pages of information have an established procedure that guides the process by which content goes online. Workflow rules guide the content methodology, provide control over who can update which sections of the site, and include sophisticated content-management tools and methods that ensure a quality Web site.

Last, but not least, don’t assume any mistakes can be hidden by your own little Ministry of Truth. Despite the fact that Microsoft quickly took down the offending ads, they were already available on an ongoing basis through Google. From there, people captured images of the pages, and circulated them. So they live on as an embarrassing memorial to what happens when online advertising enthusiasm goes a little too far.

Background:
Kids love preparing food. Any recipe that doesn’t require use of the stove can be fun for both kids and parents. Cooking develops small-motor and decision-making skills, and encourages sharing — both of the work and the result!

Setting up:
This activity can be messy, so make sure that the children have a place where they can safely make a mess. Put the chips in different bowls and melt them in the microwave oven or in a pan on the stove (you could melt them together, but mixing the two together is part of the fun).

What to do:
Let the children mix the melted chips together in a large bowl. Be sure the bowl is large enough to hold the chow mein noodles. Once the melted chips are mixed, add in the noodles. Let the children mix in the noodles until you have a paste. Then spoon the mixture out in small handful-size globs onto a nonstick cookie sheet or a regular cookie sheet covered with wax paper. Let the children use their hands to shape the globs into bird-nest shapes. A thumb or spoon can be used to press a hollow space in the center. Place the chocolate eggs or marshmallows into the center of the nests as “eggs.” Chill the bird nests in the refrigerator until hardened.

Testing for reading comprehension can be difficult. Unlike vocabulary tests, in which answers are limited to what the dictionary says, reading comprehension asks what the reader understands. Different students may understand the same text differently — both can demonstrate good understanding, but only one matches the answer sheet.

Reading comprehension tests can cover two things:
How well the reader comprehends what he has read.
How well the reader comprehends what the teacher and the test want for answers.

For example, what do you think is the meaning of the sentence below?

Properly trained, a man can be a dog’s best friend.*
A) man can be dog’s best friend
B) people must be trained to have dogs
C) dog can be man’s best friend
D) none of the above

The literal meaning is A) man can be dog’s best friend.

The author’s intended meaning is a funny idea about how man appears trained to serve his dog — therefore, D) none of the above, would be correct. D requires a higher level of thinking, but would probably be marked wrong. You might argue that any of the answers could be correct, which shows how hard it really is to test comprehension. (I tested the question on six adults and got four different answers.)

You can help your son prepare for reading comprehension tests by reviewing tests he has already taken. Decide what kind of answers seem to be “correct.” Does the test look for the obvious answers or for creative thinking? Multiple-choice tests usually have no room for creativity. Tests that allow students to write out answers allow for higher-level thinking.

Some general test-taking hints may help your son. Usually, the first answer he thinks of is correct. He may be over-thinking the questions. Comprehension test questions do not usually try to trick students. Also, he should read two or three questions before answering any, to get a feel for the kind of answer expected: obvious or creative.

With the rise of handy listening devices which facilitate music being played for many activities during the day, one is confronted with decisions never before considered practical. Example 1: you are going for a five mile run on a Sunday morning in some pretty municipal park. It takes you 52 minutes on a good day, plus a few minutes for stretching and whatnot. You are no longer relegated to really long cassettes. Now you can get a 99 CD player that is the size of a dime and costs $15 and runs with Microsoft software, and for an extra $1.50 you can get stock prices and world headlines funneled directly into your cortex. Example 2: on a warm August evening you feel like swimming half a mile in your pool in the backyard. So you do. You have a 125 CD player hooked up to play through speakers lining the pool walls and floor. For an extra $2.50 you can get holographic projections of Esther Williams synchronized swimming routines. Example 3: in your private gym with your private trainer, you have a 199 CD player which will cater to your every need. For a quarter you can also get random voice recordings of Beat poets interspersed with Britney Spears clips from her “Diary…” special.

Two themes run through these examples: a need to identify a grouping of CDs which will fulfill a predetermined function; and differing requirements for music which will catalyze different activities. For instance, if you are running for an hour or swimming laps for 45 minutes, you don’t want one minute songs that are dissonant and aggressive. You want long happy songs that absorb your attention. However, if you are about to do some heavy lifting or work on your jabbing, you may want something with an edge, verging on the confrontational. Following, some CD and activity pairings.

Lifting, Crunches, Stretching

Public Enemy, Fear of a Black Planet6ths, Wasp’s NestRoyal Trux, Thank YouMinistry, In Case You Didn’t Feel Like Showing UpRevolting Cocks, Linger Ficken’ Good & Other Barnyard Oddities

Swimming

Lush, SplitTortoise, Millions Now Living Will Never DiePsychedelic Furs, Psychedelic FursCan, Cannibalism 1Edith Frost, Calling Over Time

Running

Bob Dylan, Bringing It All Back HomeMary Lou Lord, Mary Lou LordBruce Springsteen, NebraskaBruce Springsteen, Darkness on the Edge of TownJohn Prine, John Prine

Cooking & Drinking

Daftpunk, HomeworkBeastie Boys, Ill CommunicationMC Solaar, Prose CombatSerge Gainsbourg, Comic StripBats, Courage

Organizing Things/Cleaning Things

Lee Scratch Perry & The Upsetters, Eastwood Rides AgainEnnio Morricone, Legendary Italian WesternsMassive Attack, Blue LinesBob Marley & The Wailers, African HerbsmanStan Getz, Bossa Nova-Vol. 53-Verve Jazz